4 Ways Black Parents, who are caregivers for Black LGBTQIA+ youth, can better support their mental health.

Homophobia in Black culture has been, and continues to be a menacing presence. It is rampant within the Black community, so much so — that many of us have experienced someone close to us who has shown signs of homophobia. For me it was several men in my family, and I experienced first hand the mental toll it took on family members who identify as LGBTQIA+.

Let me preface by saying I absolutely adore my father. He was my best friend, until the day he was tragically murdered in October of 2008. However, I’ve had to do some unpacking surrounding him as well. As a child you aren’t aware of toxic behaviors, and conditioning — your experience is limited to your small world view. It isn’t until you’re an adult that you begin to analyze your experiences and how they have shaped you present day.

My father was the epitome of toxic masculinity, and he certainly was homophobic. From a young age he taught us that men, and women had distinct roles — very much reinforcing gender roles. He modeled this in his life as well. He was the sole provider, my mother was to stay home and tend to the children and house. My sisters and I were to clean the house from top to bottom, my brothers were only to take out the trash. Women were to look a certain way, I was made to diet and exercise because I was too heavy in his eyes. We were introduced to these ideologies as children, and I’ll be honest it took awhile for me to become aware that I adopted some of these ideologies as well. However, once I did — I became intentional in doing the work to shift my mindset.

My youngest brother officially came out to the family when he was 15 years old — a year after my father passed. When family members express, “We knew,” I can relate. We all had a feeling, and even heard through people he attended school with — but we never understood why he couldn’t express it at home. In fact, more Black LGBTQIA+ youth feel more comfortable being themselves at school. He expressed he felt he never could come out while my father was alive. He shared that he knew my father would not accept him, and it broke my heart to learn that my brother had been bearing that weight. Looking back now — I can very much understand. Being apart of a culture that condemns homosexuality, enduring family members who were homophobic, as well as navigating life as a Black teen — it can certainly make you feel unsupported.

My brother also struggled for years after coming out within the family, and community. I can admit we could have done a better job as a family of protecting, and supporting him — but, honestly we were ill equipped. In addition, he also suffered from mental illness — which began to become the focus — as it truly affected his quality of life. Even though we weren’t knowledgeable on how to support him in his younger years — my Mother stayed steadfast, and now my brother is successful and doing much better with his mental health. I couldn’t be more proud.

Now, let me be clear. Homosexuality is not synonymous with mental illness. Homosexuality is not a mental illness. However, with homophobia being and continuing to be rampant within Black culture — we must be mindful of the mental health of LGBTQIA+ Black youth. In 2019, the Black & African American LGBTQ Youth report found that 80% of youth usually feel depressed or down, 71% usually feel worthless or helpless, and 80% usually feel worried, nervous or panicked. And only 19% say they can definitely be themselves at home. The report also found that family support plays a critical role in fostering positive self-esteem, mental health and well-being for Black LGBTQIA+ youth.

It is essential that as caregivers we better understand how to support our Black youth, and below I share four ways families can better support Black LGBTQIA+ youth.

Unpack cultural stigmas and bias.

As I mentioned, homophobia is severely embedded within Black culture. Many of us subconsciously harbor homophobic ideologies, and have normalized a great deal of them. I can admit I have been guilty of this in the past. This alone has a great impact on Black LGBTQIA+ youth, 77% of Black and African American LGBTQ youth have heard family members say negative things about LGBTQ people.

In addition, as parents we have expectations for our children — and have imagined a life for them many times — before they were even born. This plays a huge part in how we receive their choices as well. Therefore, we must first check ourselves in how we navigate our children’s choices, and experiences — not them.

The reality is that most Black youth are reluctant to disclose, and or embrace their identities. 59% say their families make them feel bad because of their LGBTQ identity. Therefore, your child coming out to you is an act of bravery. As well as a sign of trust, don’t break that trust. Black youth are navigating an agglomeration of challenges —in fact, a staggering 90% have experienced racial discrimination. And let’s not forget they are also experiencing hormonal changes, peer pressure, bullying, etc.

As parents, and or guardians we must be open to gain a better understanding of their experiences. We must put in the work to unpack our stigmas, biases, etc. — as it is necessary to provide safe spaces for our Black LGBTQIA+ youth. They are carrying a heavy burden, and deserve the love and support of those around them.

Consistently Communicate with them about their experience.

I can admit that after my brother came out, there was not much more — if any communication surrounding his experiences. It was how many Black families treat homosexuality — we swept it under the rug. It was still an uncomfortable topic of conversation.

It is crucial that we are creating a safe space for open communication. 8 in 10 Black LGBTQIA+ rate their average stress level a 5 or higher on a 10 point scale. As I aforementioned, we have to take into account the holistic experience of Black LGBTQIA+. We’ve touched briefly on the challenges they face at home — but we must acknowledge these challenges extend outside of the home. It was also found that 40% have been bullied on school property within the last 12 months. We must remember their experiences within school, and the community also impact their well being — and can certainly bring about heightened levels of stress.

In addition, they endure a high level of verbal and physical abuse because of their LGBTQIA+ identity. 18% have been forced to do unwanted sexual acts, 67% have been verbally insulted because of their LGBTQ identity, and 30% physically threatened. This means that if we are not communicating with our youth, they are left to navigate these challenging, and often times traumatic experiences on their own. This can certainly have a negative impact on their self-esteem, confidence and mental health.

Provide inclusivity.

It is not enough to only vocalize your support. Letting Black LGBTQIA+ youth know, “I’ll always love you,” is not where the work ends. We must commit to provide inclusivity. Only 26% of Black LGBTQIA+ youth have had family get involved in the larger LGBTQ community. This can certainly create feelings of isolation.

Putting forth action to attend events, advocate, and learn about their identities and experiences can be life-changing support for Black LGBTQIA+ youth. It affirms they are still loved, and considered a part of the family unit. It also provides us with the opportunity to better support them in navigating their experiences.

Start small, take baby steps — attend our, “How Caregivers can Create a safe S.P.A.C.E for Black LGBTQIA+ youth,” here; find local events to attend; find small ways to advocate and create a better quality of life for Black LGBTQIA+ youth. And remember eventually small steps turn into giant strides — consistency is key.

Respect their wishes.

In Black culture, our parents word is deemed the end all be all. Many times when Black youth express wishes — parents will pull rank, veto — and completely dismiss the effect that this has on their mental health. I am guilty of being this parent in the past.

In addition, people in school and the community who subscribe to homophobic ideologies will refuse to acknowledge their identities. This is especially true for Black LGBTQIA+ youth. Only 21% are always called by the correct pronouns, and only 29% are able to dress in a way that completely reflects their gender identity.

Being mindful of complete acceptance is crucial in providing safe spaces for Black LGBTQIA+ youth. Respect their wishes — call them by their correct pronouns, and allow them to express themselves through fashion, activities, etc. We must remember they are not attempting to challenge us as parents, they are simply trying to be themselves.

Providing a safe space for Black youth encourages positive health outcomes across the board. It is important for parents and or guardians to understand the challenges they face, as well as how to holistically support them in navigating their journey. Join us for our upcoming workshop this June, “How Caregivers can Create a safe S.P.A.C.E for Black LGBTQIA+ youth,” here.

View the 2019 Black and African American LGBTQ Youth Report for more key insights.